(OR, HOW TO BEHAVE IN THE DIGITAL AGE)
When John H Young published his Guide to the Manners, Etiquetteand Deportment of the Most Refined Society in 1879, it became abestseller in his native America. After you've read its 400 pages ofrules governing everything from napkin use to dismounting a horse,you feel that you could deal with anything day-to-day life mightchuck in your direction. If it were 1879. It isn't 1879, though, andwhile Young presents an idealised version of Victorian life (nowheredoes he address "being accosted by a drunkard" or "coping withgout") it's clear that behaviour has changed radically. Forinstance, his assertion that you should offer your own readingmaterial to others on a train before settling down to read ityourself is laughably out of step with the habits of moderncommuters. The internet in particular is having a profound effect onour social lives: the esteemed American rapper, 50 Cent, thinks it'sfine to tell 1.5 million people on Twitter that he's watching porn,while civil servants sound off about their colleagues using languagethat would turn the air purple. The web is, by any standards, amaelstrom of unhinged lunacy. No one is who they say they are; theyhide behind aliases like bubblewrap23 and either insult or stalkyou. Random people ask to be your friend, and when you agree theyswamp you with junk mail about their new band called Meatmonger. Wereally need a new set of rules to help us become level-headedbeacons of decency in the internet age - but as far as I'm aware, itdoesn't exist. If John H Young were still alive to see the abusethat's dished out on Facebook between people who are notionally"friends", I think he'd probably tear up his section on "ThePernicious Influence of Indolence", ignore his own advice aboutnever ridiculing others, and pen a withering anti-guide, detailingthe ways in which technology is creating a Most Unrefined Society...
Introductions and Meetings
Thanks to Facebook, facilitating introductions between like-minded friends is a breeze. No longer does one have to suffer theprolonged anxiety and crippling expense of throwing a party, orendure the social embarrassment of introducing people who end uphating each other's guts. You can just click a "Suggest Friends"link and let them get on with it. The sentence, "Sandra, I'd likeyou to meet Dave, he works in marketing, Dave, this is my goodfriend Sandra" need no longer be uttered; Sandra can see Dave's nameon Facebook, she knows he works in marketing and that he has afondness for death metal. And who their mutual friends are. Bingo.If Sandra and Dave then end up meeting in what we now call "reallife", the correct procedure is for one party to say, "I think I'myour friend on Facebook", then to nervously smile at one another,and almost imperceptibly move their heads forwards and sideways forapproximately two seconds to assess whether a kiss on the cheek ison the cards. If that's not happening, a half-hearted wave willsuffice. If the kiss is attempted, Sandra should turn her head 90degrees to the left or the right to avoid any possibility that herlips come into the equation. Dave should then attempt to kiss theopposite cheek too, fail, then ask Sandra what she's been "up torecently".
Calls and Visiting
This is by no means a nationwide trend, but for many citydwellers the act of popping around to someone's house to say hellohas been entirely displaced by the text message, instant message orthe Tweet. For decades, the stock response to the doorbell ringinghas been an optimistically curious, "I wonder who that is?"; todayit's more likely to be an irritable, "Who on earth is that?",followed by a nagging suspicion that something terrible hashappened. While previous generations have pondered the "cup ofsugar" issue - whether such calls are a front for some othermission, why these people don't just go and buy some sugar, how manycups of sugar to give them before making a harassment complaint -the modern equivalent is the request to borrow a wi-fi password. Youshould only give this out if you have sufficient technical savvy tobe able to change it a few days later; the local community won'tnecessarily believe you when you blame your arrest for copyrighttransgression (or worse) on "that weird bloke next door".
Conversation
In 1879, Young was very clear that during face-to-faceconversation, "all exaggeration and slang are detestable". Today,it's perfectly acceptable to embrace both. Indeed, there are timeswhen exaggeration and slang seem to be all we've got. While theremay have been distaste in Victorian times for vulgarisms such as,"How immensely jolly", now one can confidently deploy phrases suchas "Have a word", "Jog on", or "Up yours" at bus stops and inbistros without causing distress. Speaking one's mind whereverpossible - regardless of the effect it might have upon others - isto be encouraged. "Sort of" and "like" should be used as a sort-of-like ad hoc punctuation, and in moments of emotion or stress oneshould try to recall and clumsily piece together any overwroughtmonologues that you might have heard while watching soap operas onyour plasma TV, like: "I'm not being funny or anything, butseriously, if you so much as set a foot through that door right now,right, it's going to be the biggest mistake you've ever made in yourlife, and I'm not exaggerating, you bastard." That kind of thing.
Dining
We've retained many of the dining room's traditional codes ofconduct. Don't put your elbows on the table, don't cram too muchfood into your mouth, avoid putting your knife in your mouth(although that's more of a health and safety issue, than etiquette)and don't talk with your mouth full. Don't complain about the foodthat you're eating, particularly if your mouth is full of the foodyou're complaining about. Dining out, by contrast, should consist ofcomplaining about pretty much everything - decor, service, food,ambience - and generally making as much fuss as possible. You'repaying, after all. The correct use of mobile phones at the diningtable is often the subject of heated debate: phones should be placedface down approximately two inches to the left of your fork, and setto "vibrate". Incoming calls and texts permit you to immediatelyflip the phone over, gauge the importance of the communication, thenglance surreptitiously at your dining companions before eithersaying, "I just have to deal with this", or "That can wait until Ipretend to go to the toilet in about three minutes' time".
Street Etiquette
Mobile communication has revolutionised the ancient art ofwalking about. When taking a call on the street, one shouldimmediately become oblivious to one's surroundings and saunterabout, randomly. When the call is terminated, you must then take afew seconds to assess where the hell you've ended up, beforerejoining your original course. Asking for directions is no longerthe done thing; instead, consult Google Maps on your smartphone. IfGoogle Maps isn't working, start screaming and praying. Tippingone's hat to acquaintances has, for many years now, been replaced bythe act of shouting loudly from car windows. Or repeatedly holleringto a figure on the opposite pavement until you give up on them andcontinue your journey. Texting while walking can be dangerous. Thisis manifestly obvious to anyone who has witnessed near-misses withvehicles caused by people jabbing their thumbs repeatedly at aminiature keyboard. Despite this, continue doing it anyway. The oddsare probably stacked in favour of you surviving. Just about.
Courtship
The process of finding love has changed irrevocably in recenttimes. You're more likely to glimpse a sparkling blue eye behind alock of golden hair across a crowded webpage than a crowded room.The rulebook of online courtship hasn't yet been written: do you penseveral stanzas of heartfelt love poetry, demonstrating yourobsession with WH Auden, without realising that your prospectivepartner actually lives in Chelyabinsk and doesn't speak English? Ordo you just switch on your webcam and show them your genitals? Theanswers to these burning questions of etiquette are "no" and "no"respectively. Base your opinion of a prospective partner almostentirely on their online appearance, despite the fact that thepicture was probably taken five years ago, from a distance, at aweird angle, and has been digitally manipulated in Photoshop. Don'trespond to overtures of affection immediately; leave it for a coupleof weeks. Make them sweat, so when you finally get back to themthey'll burst into tears of gratitude and come running. When youfinally meet in a bar and discover that you don't like them muchafter all, pretend to take a call on your mobile from a distressedflatmate who's apparently broken their leg getting out of the bath,and leave swiftly without paying the bill.
Travel and Public Transport
There are times in modern life where one becomes bored of one'smobile phone ringtone and fancies changing it to something moreraucous. The upper deck of a bus is the correct place to explore thedozens of options on offer. As per street etiquette, when speakingon your mobile phone on public transport, pay no heed to thosearound you. Imagine that you're in some kind of soundproof bubble,allowing you to sound off at great volume about your trip to the STIclinic or to complain unnecessarily about the fact that you onlyearn 55k a year at the age of 25. After hanging up, wonder for amoment why it could be that everyone is staring at you. Put it downto the fact that your hair is looking particularly nice today, andmake your next call. When travelling on trains late at night with afriend, it's polite to offer them one earpiece of your stereoheadphones so you can both have a faintly uninvolving monoexperience of the last Adele album. Fall asleep on each other'sshoulders, end up stranded at some grim terminus and argue about whoshould pay for the 30-mile taxi journey back to civilisation.
The Home
The living room is the crucible of family life, the place whereparents and children can sit quietly together, staring at theirrespective LCD screens while occasionally glancing up at that bigLCD screen in the corner. Be sure to take it in turns to use theNintendo DS, the iPad and the laptop to instil a sense of co-operation, sharing and togetherness. Keep verbal contact to aminimum; if you wish to contact a family member in the samebuilding, send them an instant message or an e-mail outlining atentative plan for a face-to-face exchange. If urgent contact isrequired in an emergency, one is permitted to call for a familymember; the correct response is for said family member to say,"Yeah, in a minute" while they reluctantly log out of their chatroomwindow, Facebook wall, Twitter account, Angry Birds game or ChatRoulette session, before looking up with a glazed, witheringexpression and saying, "What?". Keep in mind the old poem: "Never atear bedims the eye/ That World of Warcraft cannot dry/ Never a lipis curled in pain/ That Bebo won't make right again".
Games and Amusements
Online gaming brings crowds of people together with the sharedgoal of blotting out as much of their real lives as possible. One ispermitted to play addictive one-player games for sessions lasting aslong as 18 to 20 hours, until you've been reported missing by familyand friends concerned for your well-being. Multiplayer games havefew of the rules of etiquette that govern their online equivalents;for example, there is no polite way to inform an opponent thatthey're about to have their upper torso blasted off with a BKP 2700"Enforcer" Cannon, so just go ahead and do it. It might not becricket, but that's because it's not cricket. Cheating isn't onlypermissible, it's positively encouraged; any means by which you canlever an advantage over your opponents should be embraced and usedto the full - not least because your opponents will be doing exactlythe same thing. An online word game should only be attempted withaccess to services designed to help people win at online word games,thus reducing said game to a battle between computers, and humansassuming the role of passive go-betweens. Be neither gracious indefeat, nor humble in victory; refuse rematches with people you havelost to, and after winning send your opponent a message sayingsomething along the lines of, "OMG i pwnd j00 n00b!" in order to rubit in.
Parties and Events
The formal party invitation with an RSVP request has largely beenreplaced by the Facebook Event. It's a frequently misused instrumentthat has, on more than one occasion, resulted in a suburban semi-detached house being besieged by 200 young people in pursuit of funwho then vent their frustration at the lack of fun on offer bylaying waste to the fixtures and fittings. Unless one has a masteryof the various privacy levels on Facebook (something that currentlyrequires years of study to achieve) it might be best to stick withbits of card, envelopes and stamps. A more common use of theFacebook Event is to invite people to a performance which requiresguests to pay an entrance fee. If you are invited to such a thing,and are busy that particular evening, the correct procedure is toimmediately post a lengthy reason for your non-attendance on the"wall" of the event, helping to build a magnificent array of excusesthat will plunge the performers into a blind panic and make themthink that no one is coming. If you aren't busy but have nointention of going, click the "Attending" button regardless, becauseit will give the performers a sense of excitement and purpose. Whenit's all over they probably won't remember whether you were there ornot in any case. If you are a performer, you should repeatedlybombard the same set of friends with requests that they watch youread poetry/ play the guitar/ deliver weak stand-up comedy, untilthey become so irritated at being constantly informed about yourstatic career development that they completely curtail your onlinefriendship.
In the Workplace
Allow technology to take the edge off the tedium of your workingday by sending flirtatious e-mails to that person you fancy in humanresources, unaware that the IT department are reading everything youwrite and are guffawing themselves hoarse at your romanticovertures. When sending e-mails from your work machine, adopt a care-free attitude towards addressing them, thus ensuring that your mumreceives a spreadsheet containing budget forecasts for 2011-12, andyour line manager receives an animated GIF of a naked man trying tokiss a horse. Strategies to conceal the ludicrous amount of time youspend on the internet rather than achieving second-quarterobjectives include: sighing loudly and muttering "something reallyhas to be done about this as a matter of some urgency"; walkingpurposefully through the office every 30 minutes while carrying astack of brightly coloured folders, pursing your lips and shakingyour head; and masking your giggles at a YouTube video of a catplaying the piano by faking a coughing fit and excusing yourself tofetch a glass of water.
Correspondence
If you thought that learning Ukrainian phrases from a guidebookbefore a visit to Kiev was tricky, the intricacies of the web'sbizarre syntax may leave you clutching your head in panic. Sarcasmis rampant and almost indistinguishable from non-sarcasm. Some wordsare misspelt for comic effect; others aren't, but telling one fromthe other requires superhuman concentration. And because onlineclans hate outsiders, no one's going to take you aside and give youlessons, pointing out that LOL doesn't mean "lots of love", or thatbeing "pwnd" isn't something to be proud of. One thing that'spossible to master after a few hours of practice is the addition ofkisses to written correspondence. Electronic communication has ledus to develop an intriguing and deeply complex emotional cipher inthe form of the letter "x" appended to texts, instant messages and e-mails. Work correspondence should remain free of kisses unless a)you have attended some kind of social event with the other person,and b) you have a vague feeling of attraction towards them, howeverfleeting and insubstantial. You are generally obliged to match thenumber of kisses you have received when composing your reply;downgrading an "xx" to an "x", or an "x" to no kiss at all can causethe self-esteem of your correspondent to plummet drastically. Threeis the maximum number of kisses you should employ, unless you arewriting to a lover, or family member, or penning a furious letter ofresignation to your employer that requires a sarcastic sign-off.
Shopping
If you buy faulty goods from a shop, you take them back for arefund. If, however, you buy faulty goods from geezah149 using anauction site or e-commerce facility, you should contact geezah149with a suitably furious complaint, using many capital letters andexclamation marks. Geezah149 will, if he bothers replying to yourcomplaint at all, then say "You're wrong" or "What goods?", whichwill then kick off a stressful six-week period of argument andcounter-argument. Ultimately, this will result in the totaldisappearance of geezah149 from the face of the internet, and youleft holding some object that only cost you 3.99 but hasnevertheless caused you to invest approximately 10 man-hoursattempting to assert your rights as a consumer. Don't let that bethe end of the matter, though. Carry the resentment with you formonths, if not years. Vow to get your revenge by any means possible,and state categorically that you will never buy anything from theinternet again, before going online and buying something from theinternet. *
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